An All Time TV Low?

American TV Networks have always had a reputation for being pretty low in terms of ethics. I think they have reached an all time low. They (Fox) are showing a TV interview with OJ Simpson called "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened". Fox bill this show as “The Interview that will Shake the Nation”. I'm sure the sister of his wife is shaking! In this show “O. J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes,”

How sick is that!! This has to be a new low.

The Danes Know How!!

The US stops traffic with guns. Guns are the answer to most things here. Denmark however use other types of weapons....

Messing with things!

What is it about America that they have to take a perfectly good invention and change it. Whether it's just about calling it a different name for no other reason than they can, or whether it is completely reversing the invention just to be damn different. My favourite example is the cement mixer. Example on the left how 95% of the world's country designed this vehicle. On the right the US approach. It's upside down for Christ's sake!! Cracks me up every time I see one of these things.

Men's Office Clothing

A while back I picked on women's office attire. Now to be fair to women in this discussion they dress a lot better here than men in the work place. Sometimes they pick strange flora patterns but that is bad taste as apposed to just not making an effort. Now with men this is a different story. They just have no idea how to dress. Trousers up to your chest seems perfectly acceptable. A standard buttoned shirt is to be saved for weddings and interviews (maybe but not guaranteed) and only the use of ridiculous patterned polo shirts are allowed during work hours. Or if all your stripey puke colour polo's are dirty then black t-shirt that is too small for you and shows off your man boobs might also be ok. The other office law is your trousers must be khakis. A very simple dress code really which must not be comprised.

Just to add to the points above. You may break this law if they are sold out of stripey polo's then obsure patterns is usually the next thing in line....

However I don't want to hold out on you here. The real magic happens when it's casual Friday. Casual really means casual. There are people walking in NFL football shirts, and I don't just mean t-shirts i mean proper authentic match shirts!! But nothing tops the guy in the Marvin the Martian sweater. That just left me speechless!!! I wish I could find a picture of it. It was SO bad! I haven't seen the guy in the clothes to the right yet, but it is just a matter of time.

Bob and Tom (and Screech does adult movie!)

In a world of dull radio stations, (it was no different in the UK lets make that very clear. Having to listen to Chris Moyles in the morning is enough to make you want to drive your car into a lake with the windows down and you strapped heavily into your seat.) I am pleasantly surprised to be probably introduced properly to Bob and Tom’s Morning Show on Q95. These guys might be old and around the block a bit, but they are funny and they break the taboos which American Tv doesn't dare.

B&T are a phenomenon in Indy because they are from here and broadcast from here, yet they are nationwide – anyway the reason I write this is share one particualr story that I still can't get out of my head because it's so damn funny!!!

You must all remember Saved by The Bell??? – And obviously the first character that comes to mind is Screech. Well his real name is Dustin Diamond (a classic name in itself!). Well he has been in a blue movie… that is enough to make me laugh but the next level of detail is where it gets really funny! Bob and Tom took the liberty of sharing some more detail about this particular blue movie in that involved Screech giving a performance of a Dirty Sanchez. (If you don't know what that is then you don't want to know but wikipedia tells everything of course!) I don't think Screech could have lower himself anymore! Possible titles as suggested by Bob and Tom were Screech and Sniff and Saved by the Smell .

What I like about Bob and Tom – they bring me this sort of critical news each morning.

Baseball just gets better and better!

Maybe another baseball blog seems too much but this is the only time of the year that most people acknowledge this strange sport actually exists so strike while the iron is hot... The thing that is pissing me off about this lame sport this time around is this concept of walking your opponent. Let me explain (as this is obviously not like take taking your dog for a work that is far more rewarding and interesting). When the best players come out to bat, therefore the stars that the public have paid good money via an scalper (more on that later!) to see, the pitchers deliberately through 4 balls that they can't hit so they get to walk to first base for free. What is the f-ing point in that?????? I guess at least he guarantees himself some exercise?

Baseball

It is October which is the one month in the year that Baseball gets some attention over here as it is 'World' series time. Well I don't want to go into the merits of Baseball, that would take me hours, but I would like to share with you the arrogance of this impotent sport. On the radio the other day advertising the 'World' series they had they proudly announced "The World Series, what the world has been waiting for". Do they have any idea that 95% of the world has never friggin heard of baseball, let alone give a monkeys about it. The WORLD doesn't care less about baseball. Why it is called the World Series when it only has two countries in it, who knows, but quite frankly - who cares?

For a real sport with bats and balls I would like to suggest cricket.

You Must Live in Fear

My TV keeps getting interrupted. I am presented with the following message narrated by 65 year old man holding his nose. "An Emergency Has Been Declared For This Area. For more details of this emergency please tune to channel nine"

Emergency - I am only presume Indianapolis is under attack and Iraq are fighting back? I am too scared to turn to channel 9.

I am also too curious. Can you believe what channel nine was?????
The House Shopping Channel. I kid you not. The emergency must have been that they have run out of Tiffany-Style Single Bird Accent Lights. I just don't know how I will continue on with my life.

Anyway I searched around and I believe the 'real' emergency is that there is some rain on the way. Phew!! I must get a gun to protect myself from these emergency situations! Charlton Heston knew what he was talking about all along!

Excuse Me

Indiana Law: If you walk within 20 foot of another human you must automatically say "Excuse Me". Just for the privilege of seeing another human you must complete this ritual. It's not quite like this where I come from!! In fact you are lucky to get a grunt if you are knocked over by another human.

Imagine being in London and having to follow this law. You would basically just spend your whole friggin live in one place "excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, ............."

Office Clothes - Women

I think clothing will dominate the posts of this blog because there is so much good material to discuss. Some of the clothes that are worn in Indy are truely amazing. But the real thing that gets you is the age of the people that wear some of these clothes - they are people in their 20s and 30s!!! I have decided to start with some of stylish clothes that women wear to work...

UmmmmHummmm

What do you say when someone says "thank you"???

Perhaps you respond with "you're welcome", "my pleasure" if you're in a really good mood, "no problem" or maybe even you respond with "cheers" or "thanks" even though it's you who helped out the other guy! It's just polite...

Well here that doesn't apply, instead you grunt a noise that can only be described as "ummmmmmhmmmmmm". That's if you are lucky - Women are particularly good at this noise and sometime shorten it to just "hmmmm".

I like play with these people. You just keep saying "Thank you". After about four/five of them you have successfully made them sound a drunk wasp. :)

Laziness is not always bad

My wife has dropped some hints that perhaps I should put the odd occasionally positive posting. Well luckily for her it came very easy at the Colts game this weekend. I had experienced this phenomenon before but had forgotton how good it is. While I sit and enjoy the sporting event of my choice (well that would be American Football because Baseball and Basketball are pointless, but more on that later I am sure) I have these nice gentlemen who walk by seat and ask me if I would like more beer. So I don't have to leave my seat and miss any of the game. I get beer delivered direct to my seat. Fantastic or what!!

Only problem is you still have to leave the seat to pee, but thinking about it again the cups are pretty big.....

You might argue that I am becoming lazy and I am a hyprocrite considering my complaints about laziness on this blog. In which case you don't appreciate beer in the same way I do and I don't care what you think!

Breast Centre

Indy has a breast centre. :-) That's right a whole big building specifically dedicated to breasts. I think Indianapolis must be the coolest place on earth.

Actually I have a suspicion after viewing their website that this is a medical institute not what I was thinking. This is clearly not as cool as initially thought and I also think it's false advertising. Damn it.

Laziness

We all know the stereotype of the lazy american but once you are here it is damn hard to avoid it. I am sure this will not be the only blog entry under that title! To use the cash point at the bank to HAVE TO drive through. There is no bank machine inside the bank, or outside unless you drive through. If you tried to walk up to it I guarantee you will get run over by a red neck in a pick up. That or you will be suspected as a criminal and shot. It doesn't stop there though - all your normal banking is done while sat in your car!! You talk to the clerks through machines. This surely opens up a whole new avenue for something else to outsource???....

Ok so I come to terms with the drive up bank. What's next - drive up Pharmacy. Yep - that's right you can get your slimming pills without having to leave the car! By why stop there!!

Drive through restuarants is an obvious one but Europe is already going this way. The latest trend is an advertising campaing from McDonalds is that they will add the milk and sugar for you to your coffee. Just incase that was getting all too complicated!

Anyway the actualy drive through that sparked this rant - drive through dry cleaners. What is the point?

Haircuts

I am going to have to get my haircut soon and I am scared. Seriously. I walk around and see what some of the people allow barbers to do to their hair and I am scared to put my hair into the hands of someone else.. I would like to present some examples:...



Now this guy in particular deserves some mention. He just goes from one shocker to another!!

http://www.dmsjr.com/hair.html

Toothpick

Ok so I am just coming to terms with the people, well the different people, well to be fair on America - we are just talking about Chicago here. This place is weird. Why would you walk around a airport with a friggin toothpick sticking out of your mouth??

Big Rude People

Just because you are big. Just because you have eaten too many burgers it DOES NOT give you the right to knock me out the way. Just because you didn't feel the fact you almost crushed me, it does not excuse your behaviour!!

That was what came to mind after walking through Chicago airport for 3 minutes...

Welcome to the US

I was waiting for my bags in Chicago O-Hare (pronounced O-"Hair-ra") and I see a big sign about how the customs officers of US are the face of America and they have a special code they follow to make sure your welcome is pleasant... well in fact today these are the third set of people I have encountered so far on my trip and the first impressions have already clearly been set....

You will remember the publicity that Virgin got when it proactively recruited attractive blondes for his Cross Atlantic Airline. Not only did these girls have to be blond, but also nice and into customer server. American Airlines does not follow this policy. It finds the oldest, ugliest and most uptight air hostesses it can find and then puts them into one of the most customer service demanding roles possible. These people clearly hate people. They hate their families so much that they want to spend their whole lives away from them on planes, but the last thing they want to do is serve plastic trays. This one women (See picture) she was honestly the most miserable women I've come across in some time. She threw the plastic trays down towards people, was in capable for speaking or acknowledging someone saying thank you, she deliberately steered her trolley to hit as many people as possible. It is people like this that ruin those adolescent dreams of mine of some sexy air steward offering herself up at 30,000ft....

I get off the plane to some relief (well certainly not literally that's for sure!!) and now I have my favorite experience when visiting the US - the Immigration people. Recently I went to Orlando where they are laid back and if you're not south American they don't seem to bother you. In Chicago - these people are the select, the crème de crème of the ruddiest Americans existing. To have to approach one of these people is petrifying event in itself. You approach and it is much worse than prison. You have you finger scanned, your picture taken, some hair DNA tested and a sperm sample is optional but will reduced the chance of full cavity search. Then there is the people themselves. They are not able to talk. They sit there, press some random buttons on the computer, refuse eye contact, refuse to talk to you, just make you sit and sweat. These people are the face of America. Like George Bush - something needs to change.

To be fair to the customs officers, they were actually quite nice people.....